I'd like to forewarn you that this piece wasn't edited professionally and nobody certified me as a writer, so if you're a professional English writer or peradventure a bright student you may experience a little headache and some anger while reading it, please swallow your pride, there are things I know that would make you look like an idiot if you attempt them too. Thank you.

If you're reading this, thank you.

This is basically me trying again after several years of not writing stuff, not that I've not been writing generally, I've only had an audience of one (for a couple of months now), and I kind of noticed that my thoughts are clearer when my emotions are involved, maybe emotion and not emotions, because my thoughts are only clear when my head and heart are in a positive place.

I've been thinking lately about regrets and sadness, for someone who believes that if I see what I did wrong in the past or present I will be strengthened not to repeat the same error in the future. I'm often in great awe of people who don't allow themselves regret their mistakes, and interestingly I know a couple of them, well, I believe the beauty of life is that we're shuffled up in a way that dogs get tied up with cats so that there's always the curious and there's always the cautious in the mix, I'm not writing about dogs and cats, he that understands literal representations let him decipher. (It's not so much to learn, someone like me would know a couple of someones who are not like me so that they can help me get out of myself before I do "myself" to the extreme and self-destruct, you feel me?)

I'm also in awe of people who don't let others affect their lives, I mean, of course, you get to pick and carefully choose the influence or "wisdom" you allow but you definitely don't have all the wisdom you need to navigate life all by yourself, fact is, life is easier, decisions are easier to make when you're just a third party.

I digress too much, and that's why I teach the Bible for 4 hours without exhausting my thoughts, maybe I need help.

Back on the track, I believe regrets are instruments of mental and moral policing (I could have thrown in some big grammar there but I don't have so much vocabulary up my sleeve, honest truth), they help us by triggering a "thread carefully" signal whenever we are about to be foolish again. I honestly get scared for people who forget ugly experiences too soon, I mean, don't relive the experience, don't let it haunt you, but don't forget whatever you learned from it, I hope you learned something in the first place.

But, as good as regrets are, they'll become our monsters if we allow them drive us into sadness in retrospect, I mean it's okay that I acknowledge I made a mistake, I acknowledge I was good when I was meant to be a monster or I was a monster when I was meant to be good, but I should never deprive myself of life altogether because of something I allowed when I knew less.

See, I believe mistakes aren't totally bad, they help us see how frail and unwise we are, there were things I used to say I'd never do until I was caught unawares, there were mistakes I made in my life that I'd probably never be this happy if I didn't make them, well, for someone who tries really too much to avoid mistakes I have very little regrets, maybe because I watch other people's lives too carefully to repeat their mistakes or maybe I wasn't interested in too many things as a kid, I don't really have nerve wrecking mistakes like that, just cringe worthy moments. This is not about me, Tunji focus!

But, do you understand? We're all humans, things have happened and may happen that won't make us proud, it's only okay that we learn a couple of lessons but we should never allow them break us, we should never allow the faults of the past determine the projectile of the present or future, it's a sad place to be. And, sometimes, what it takes to not transition into sadness is to forgive oneself, I reckon that it is easier to forgive a third party than to forgive oneself, because you get to have so many questions, so many disappointments and dissatisfaction in yourself, I totally understand, I know, I've felt it, I feel it, you just have to help yourself, learn the lesson and live on. Why did I allow such a situation?, how did I stoop so low?, how was I?, why did I?. It was then, yes!, you still don't have the answers but you know you shouldn't go that route anymore, do you get? There's really no point beating yourself up still. Look around, the world keeps going, the person that hurt you has probably moved on, the person you hurt has probably moved on, even if they haven't, learn to give yourself the grace you expect God to give you, I mean, if you can't love yourself enough to move beyond your failures, then why should God? Good thing is, he's not like you.

I know forgiveness isn't easy, moving on isn't either, but the fact that you can't undo what has been done is enough reason to never allow yourself create more damage to yourself by redoing it to yourself mentally.

I love you.